Learning to Listen As a Talker

Listening can be hard for me, and having to go long periods of time without being able to talk...? Physically painful. I had heard it described somewhere that we all have different levels of "tolerance for silence," and I knew mine was next to zero. And somehow, despite that, I decided to become a coach.

I remember looking at the International Coach Federation's list of core competencies and brushing swiftly past the whole "listening" bit. Surely, I thought, if I am strong enough in all of the other areas, listening won't be that important.

I'll go ahead and save you some time by skipping ahead to the part where I found out I was wrong.

Listening is not only an important skill, it's sort of the whole point.

I want to share an accidental strategy that helped me to see the value firsthand. On phone calls while working from home I started a habit of muting myself while the other person is talking. To be honest, it started because I have kids at home and I wanted to minimize background noise. What ended up happening, however, was an unintended benefit.

In case anyone isn't familiar, when you place yourself on mute you need a couple of extra seconds to take yourself off mute so you can speak again. I would find myself ready to talk and try to get to the button as fast as I could, but it still took a moment. And, in those couple of seconds, something started to happen: the other person continued speaking.

So, there I was, back on mute for more listening. But the lesson here for me was that some of the best sharing - some of the best learning - was happening for people in these pockets of "extra time." I was amazed. What had I been missing all these years in my rush to fill the space? What might I learn about the people around me if I could pause just one second more? What impact could this have on my own relationships if I applied it outside of the world of coaching?

This practice has been eye-opening and (at the risk of sounding dramatic) life-changing. It's left a big enough impression that I don't always need a mute button, either. When I feel impatient, or anxious to speak, I think of some of these moments and the beauty of listening. I think of the times it completely changed my level of awareness or my response. I think of the times someone became emotional in their very next phrase. I think of what would have been different if I had hurried on and skipped ahead.

As a coach I try to stay open and curious. Not just because the training tells me to, but because I have been blown away by the level of vulnerability I have witnessed in my willingness to be present and brave the momentary discomfort that silence creates for me.

If you are also a talker, or a person with a low tolerance for silence, I encourage you to try this out on your upcoming phone conversations. Pause a little more. See what happens if you stop for a couple of seconds before jumping in.

You may find it's worth the wait.