Smashing Limiting Beliefs

One thing I like to do as a coach is to help clients uncover their self-limiting beliefs: thoughts about themselves or about their world that have been mislabeled in their brains as absolute truths. These beliefs that can cause us great pain, and sometimes downright sabotage our own success. 

I have found this framework from Byron Katie very useful when it comes to identifying and shutting down the unhelpful or negative thoughts:

Ask yourself...

1. Is it true?

2. Can you absolutely know it's true?

3. How do you react—what happens—when you believe that thought?

4. Who would you be without the thought?

In addition, there is one coaching question I have used with clients that I have added to this exploration:

"What evidence do you have that shows this is NOT always true?"

For me, personally, I tried these questions out, and noticed that I can see glimmers of positive evidence when I am forced to look for it, but then it disappears as I go back into my day-to-day life. The old belief is so ingrained that its easy to slip back into believing that it is true. Maybe its similar to that idea of having to hear 5 positive comments to outweigh the affects of one negative comment. 

What can I do to shed the limiting belief and focus on the thing I want to believe instead? How can I take these coaching questions off the page and form positive habits?

I will share one of my own self-limiting beliefs and the activity I started to try to break the cycle. 

Vulnerability time... 

For many years I have told myself that I am not a good friend. 

::Gasp!:: Amy, what?! But you seem so nice! I'd love to be your friend! 

Funny how when we hear other people's limiting beliefs we are quick to shut them down, yet when its in our own brain we can really torment ourselves. For instance, instead of naturally questioning such a bold statement, I instead roll in echoes of criticisms from ex-friendships, and play a highlight reel of things I did (or was told I did) wrong. Ouch. And you know what? Some of its true. We all have made mistakes or done things we might do differently given another chance. But even with that considered, it does not mean that it always has been nor always will be true.

Then comes the self-judgement of having believed the thought for so long in the first place.

Why do I hang on to comments from a couple of individuals whom I am no longer in any form of relationship with? Why can I still remember a handful of painful social interactions from high school with so much clarity? Why do I let the negative moments discredit the many positive memories, or supportive feedback from new friends? Why do a couple incriminating examples outweigh ample evidence that I am indeed a good friend who cares about people greatly? 

To answer those questions, I might dive deeper into studying negativity bias but, in short, we focus on the negative stuff to keep ourselves safe. We focus on the painful things to keep our system from getting hurt again. Which is also why it can be difficult for our nervous systems to give up willingly.

Wow... maybe too much information in all of that... what's the breakthrough activity idea you had?

Here's my activity that I started this week to smash this negative loop:

I bought a bulletin board.

Ok, I realize that doesn't seem like earth-shattering insight, but hear me out...

I am gathering actual evidence that shuts down my limiting belief and pushes through the negativity bias. I am filling the bulletin board with a collection of cards and trinkets that force me to face the truth, as scary as it may be to my nervous system: I am a good friend. I started to look around my office for some evidence to include and laughed outloud when I found more than one greeting card in my saved collection that literally said "you are a good friend." 

I hung the bulletin board in a place that is directly in my line of sight from my desk. Now I will see it for a good portion of every day. I already noticed a change in my mood the first morning that I walked in to the office and saw it. I could feel the tension as my old limiting belief had to come face to face with cold. hard. facts.

A shout-out, here, to all the friends who help us to see past our own shortcomings, perceived or otherwise.

I offer this post and activity to remind us that we all have narratives of different kinds running through our minds, just under the surface. Its important to pause and investigate the beliefs that seem self-deprecating or particularly negative. Let's replace those limiting ideas with empowering ones. 

When we set out to contradict the old "truths" we may find the counter evidence is abundant. We just need to be willing to see ourselves in brighter light.